After the move...

Moving is done. Boxes are unpacked. It hasn't yet been a week, but nearly everything is in its place. I wish I felt that way - that everything was neat and organized - but in my mind, it's total chaos. I don't feel settled or connected to anything here. Even though I know I'll be here for at least three years, I feel like it's temporary, as if we were only living here for a month. I even got a temporary job. I think the hardest part is knowing that the only thing keeping me from connecting with the city I live in and the people in it is me. All I have to do is get out there, right? Start looking for shows to audition for. Start making inquiries about teachers to study with. It's harder than it looks. No one wants to feel pain, but that's just what I have to do in order to get what I want. I have to face my fear of rejection, and my overall fear of new anything, if I want to be part of the world I caught a glimpse of while in college. I must sing. I feel as though a part of me is dying every second that I don't.

Time to brag about my amazing husband...

I have known my husband since junior high school, and in all of those years I had never heard him sing "for real." You see, he's got a great sense of humor and he's shy, so every time I would ask him to sing something for me, he would use this cartoony voice. I knew he had a great voice inside of him - one full of sincerity and emotion - but I think he was too shy about expressing himself, and he wouldn't let me hear it. On Saturday night, years of wondering ended. My beautiful husband performed, singing, in a BAND. Granted, it was just for a small fundraising event, but still! Not only that, but their first song had a country twang to it, and country is my favorite genre. It is highly ironic that he got the chance to do this before I did. What he got to do that night is exactly what I want to do. Watching him up there, I was totally in awe of what he was able to accomplish, being an untrained singer who had certainly never sung for an audience before. However, I knew he would pull it off all along. He's amazingly talented. I wasn't jealous at all.

Bad timing...

I am moving in 5 days, to a much bigger city than I have ever lived in before! It's exciting, nerve-wracking, all of the above. Now that I know when and where I am moving, I have been applying for jobs. What a joy. I am really getting tired of taking those personality tests - you know, the ones that involve at least 45 minutes of multiple choice questions like, "'I am a robot.' Check one answer: strongly agree, agree, neither agree nor disagree..." The questions are often poorly worded, so that I am not sure which answer to choose. I truly feel I would have greater success of making a good first impression if I spoke to a human being, which is what I will have to do if none of these online applications yield any prospects. It is extremely difficult to accurately represent oneself when one is limited to multiple choice answers.

Yesterday, I began researching arts organizations and theaters in my area, only to find out that I missed auditions for a paid opera chorus position by exactly one week. I really should relax though: I've only been actively looking for jobs in my new city for a few days. Plus, it's the weekend, and most employers probably won't get back to me until Monday at the earliest. So, it's back to sorting, organizing, and packing for the big move. 5 days!

Nothing new...

There's not much new to update right now, as I am in the process of moving. I've pretty much been putting everything on hold while I look for housing and a job. My goal is to find a guitar teacher as soon as I find a job in my new city. I think the whole singer-songwriter thing will start to fall into place once I can play an accompanying instrument. I really want to be able to do it all myself. That way, I will have total creative freedom.

Things are falling into place...

Yesterday, after I had exhausted my attention span for job searching and apartment hunting, I did something unexpected. I practiced piano, of all things, for more than 10 minutes. For those who do not know me, this is an achievement.

If any of you have never attempted to play the piano, I will be the first to let you know that it is ridiculously difficult. I believe one must be a little masochistic to have the patience to get through the extreme frustration I feel each time I sit down at the instrument. Singing is different. Singing is instantly gratifying, even when you don't know what you're doing. You can feel the vibrations of your voice flowing through your body, and you know that you, personally, are making the sound happen. I feel this power of direct connection with wind instruments, too. With piano, it's different. All I have to do to make a sound is press a key, and until chords and rhythms can be smoothly interwoven to make a piece, the sound is foreign - detached. I find myself staring down at the keys, thinking "Oh GOD, where is 'A'?" It's all a black and white blur.

Something amazing happened yesterday, though. I started improvising. Instead of reading the music note for note, I began to play by ear, skipping over difficult chords if I couldn't decipher them in time, and something that sounded like a song began to take shape. It gave me hope that maybe, just maybe, if I practice every day, I will be able to learn to accompany myself. Say, at a small concert for my friends, on my next birthday, perhaps...

Guitar, now that's another story.

The definition of success...

Well, I have already broken my promise to myself to write every day. Can you believe it? My summer vacation has turned out, so far, to be busier than my last semester of college!

My most recent inner struggle is this: how does one find a way to feel good about spending lots and lots of money on a degree that appears to be useless in the current job market? I am in a position where I must find a job - any job - immediately, without delay, and I am sickened to think that I will probably be applying first to jobs that don't even require a high school diploma. Oh well, right? It's just money. Try to enjoy your life. That's what I tell myself, anyway.

I truly believe things happen for a reason. Maybe fate is forcing me to find a "stupid day job" now so that I will feel boxed in, and thus, find a creative way to be free. And to sing.

Day 4: Will the wonders never cease?

So...

My husband got into grad school today. He is going to get his masters in music education. What does this mean? Well, for me, it means I will be moving, and I will need to get to know a new community of musicians. This is a big change, and I have a lot to think about. Oh well. At least now I know where I should be looking for a job.

Day 3: Due to unforseen circumstances...

We never really know what's coming, do we? This morning, I awoke, planning to practice for my upcoming audition, only to get an e-mail later in the day saying the auditions had been cancelled. At least I have a free Saturday coming up.

I still need to practice, though. My voice teacher advised me to sing every day, even if it's only for ten minutes. This will help me keep my technique in place. It's so easy for old habits to creep back in unnoticed. I have the most trouble keeping my speaking voice supported. Too often, I find myself wondering, "Why is my voice so tired? I've only been talking to my mom for 20 minutes!" Then I realize, it's because my speaking voice, before I began taking voice lessons, was very low and, too often, forced, and those old habits are very deeply ingrained. In a word, my "old" speaking voice could have been described as "inefficient." I've spent the past three years working week after week to replace bad habits with good ones, but I must still remind myself daily how to talk and how to sing. There really is a "best" way to do these things, in terms of efficiency, but the wonderful thing about the human voice is that there are no two exactly alike. Even after peeling away all the "bad" layers: poor posture, poor breath support, tension, etc., you will still end up with a uniquely beautiful voice in the end, and that's comforting to me. There was a time when I thought all classically trained singers' voices sounded alike, and that untrained voices could carry emotion much better because they were so raw - so human. I was wrong, both about the classically trained singers and about the voices I viewed as untrained. In my experience, it is actually quite difficult to sing pop music well, so either these "untrained" singers actually do work hard to perfect their technique, or there is some major editing going on.

Day 2: Still not enough time in the day...

Yesterday, I plans to be productive - really, I did. I'm finding out, however, that life post-graduation is not that much different from my college life in terms of the amount of discipline required. I am constantly looking for ways to be productive, or, at least, to feel productive. And I'm also very good at procrastinating by substitution of (in my mind at the time) an equally important task: I tell myself, "No, you can't practice now, because you first need to make your bed, do the laundry, and do errands." While I'm out "getting things done," I realize I must eventually return home to do the tedious, not always rewarding task of practicing pieces I know well and have sung so many times that I would rather do almost anything else. Also, a creepy little voice, that in my mind sounds exactly like the evil queen from Snow White - when she's transformed into the old witch - says "But maybe you suck. Maybe you have no business singing at all. Ever think of that?!" At this moment I decide to buy the tie-dye kit. I mean, I've never tie-dyed before, and there's no time like the present, right? Then, by the end of the day, I am scolding myself, telling myself, "You've got to stop this! Focus! You're never going to accomplish anything this way!" Then the voices of my mentors come in: I breathe, I tell myself I am a capable person, that it is good to have goals even if you don't reach them by the deadline, that I will begin again tomorrow. And maybe have tie-dyed socks by the end of the day.

Singing my dreams to life, day 1

After a long, emotional graduation weekend, I am preparing to "put myself out there" in the world. My long-term goal is to make money as a singer - enough to support myself ( I don't need to be rich or anything!), but the odds are stacked against me. Trusted teachers have told me most musicians make their living doing multiple types of jobs: composing, teaching, performing, etc. Since I don't have any of these jobs now (at least, none that pay), I plan to start by looking for a "day job," 9-5, Monday through Friday, so I can have evenings free to continue to participate in local (volunteer) music theatre. I have already been looking for a job for three weeks with no luck. My hope is that after reformatting my resume, I will begin to get some interviews. Other "to do list" items: learning new music, brushing up old audition material, practicing piano and teaching myself guitar.