After the move...

Moving is done. Boxes are unpacked. It hasn't yet been a week, but nearly everything is in its place. I wish I felt that way - that everything was neat and organized - but in my mind, it's total chaos. I don't feel settled or connected to anything here. Even though I know I'll be here for at least three years, I feel like it's temporary, as if we were only living here for a month. I even got a temporary job. I think the hardest part is knowing that the only thing keeping me from connecting with the city I live in and the people in it is me. All I have to do is get out there, right? Start looking for shows to audition for. Start making inquiries about teachers to study with. It's harder than it looks. No one wants to feel pain, but that's just what I have to do in order to get what I want. I have to face my fear of rejection, and my overall fear of new anything, if I want to be part of the world I caught a glimpse of while in college. I must sing. I feel as though a part of me is dying every second that I don't.

Time to brag about my amazing husband...

I have known my husband since junior high school, and in all of those years I had never heard him sing "for real." You see, he's got a great sense of humor and he's shy, so every time I would ask him to sing something for me, he would use this cartoony voice. I knew he had a great voice inside of him - one full of sincerity and emotion - but I think he was too shy about expressing himself, and he wouldn't let me hear it. On Saturday night, years of wondering ended. My beautiful husband performed, singing, in a BAND. Granted, it was just for a small fundraising event, but still! Not only that, but their first song had a country twang to it, and country is my favorite genre. It is highly ironic that he got the chance to do this before I did. What he got to do that night is exactly what I want to do. Watching him up there, I was totally in awe of what he was able to accomplish, being an untrained singer who had certainly never sung for an audience before. However, I knew he would pull it off all along. He's amazingly talented. I wasn't jealous at all.

Bad timing...

I am moving in 5 days, to a much bigger city than I have ever lived in before! It's exciting, nerve-wracking, all of the above. Now that I know when and where I am moving, I have been applying for jobs. What a joy. I am really getting tired of taking those personality tests - you know, the ones that involve at least 45 minutes of multiple choice questions like, "'I am a robot.' Check one answer: strongly agree, agree, neither agree nor disagree..." The questions are often poorly worded, so that I am not sure which answer to choose. I truly feel I would have greater success of making a good first impression if I spoke to a human being, which is what I will have to do if none of these online applications yield any prospects. It is extremely difficult to accurately represent oneself when one is limited to multiple choice answers.

Yesterday, I began researching arts organizations and theaters in my area, only to find out that I missed auditions for a paid opera chorus position by exactly one week. I really should relax though: I've only been actively looking for jobs in my new city for a few days. Plus, it's the weekend, and most employers probably won't get back to me until Monday at the earliest. So, it's back to sorting, organizing, and packing for the big move. 5 days!

Nothing new...

There's not much new to update right now, as I am in the process of moving. I've pretty much been putting everything on hold while I look for housing and a job. My goal is to find a guitar teacher as soon as I find a job in my new city. I think the whole singer-songwriter thing will start to fall into place once I can play an accompanying instrument. I really want to be able to do it all myself. That way, I will have total creative freedom.

Things are falling into place...

Yesterday, after I had exhausted my attention span for job searching and apartment hunting, I did something unexpected. I practiced piano, of all things, for more than 10 minutes. For those who do not know me, this is an achievement.

If any of you have never attempted to play the piano, I will be the first to let you know that it is ridiculously difficult. I believe one must be a little masochistic to have the patience to get through the extreme frustration I feel each time I sit down at the instrument. Singing is different. Singing is instantly gratifying, even when you don't know what you're doing. You can feel the vibrations of your voice flowing through your body, and you know that you, personally, are making the sound happen. I feel this power of direct connection with wind instruments, too. With piano, it's different. All I have to do to make a sound is press a key, and until chords and rhythms can be smoothly interwoven to make a piece, the sound is foreign - detached. I find myself staring down at the keys, thinking "Oh GOD, where is 'A'?" It's all a black and white blur.

Something amazing happened yesterday, though. I started improvising. Instead of reading the music note for note, I began to play by ear, skipping over difficult chords if I couldn't decipher them in time, and something that sounded like a song began to take shape. It gave me hope that maybe, just maybe, if I practice every day, I will be able to learn to accompany myself. Say, at a small concert for my friends, on my next birthday, perhaps...

Guitar, now that's another story.

The definition of success...

Well, I have already broken my promise to myself to write every day. Can you believe it? My summer vacation has turned out, so far, to be busier than my last semester of college!

My most recent inner struggle is this: how does one find a way to feel good about spending lots and lots of money on a degree that appears to be useless in the current job market? I am in a position where I must find a job - any job - immediately, without delay, and I am sickened to think that I will probably be applying first to jobs that don't even require a high school diploma. Oh well, right? It's just money. Try to enjoy your life. That's what I tell myself, anyway.

I truly believe things happen for a reason. Maybe fate is forcing me to find a "stupid day job" now so that I will feel boxed in, and thus, find a creative way to be free. And to sing.

Day 4: Will the wonders never cease?

So...

My husband got into grad school today. He is going to get his masters in music education. What does this mean? Well, for me, it means I will be moving, and I will need to get to know a new community of musicians. This is a big change, and I have a lot to think about. Oh well. At least now I know where I should be looking for a job.