You have to look for your life...

Sometimes it's hard to look at yourself for who you really are. It has been my goal as of late to try to be honest with myself about everything. Sometimes it's easy, "Yes, I really DO want pizza tonight!" but when it comes to what really matters, it's hard. So hard, in fact, that I do everything possible, usually without realizing it, to avoid the matter at hand, which is usually something I know I have to change about my life but that I believe will upset others. It's quite dramatic, the way this plays out in my head. There is always a point where whatever reluctant truth that has been bouncing around in there bursts out suddenly, painting my life a shocking shade of orange (I hate orange). Nevertheless, the truth must come out, and I am plagued for at least a week with the queasy feeling of relief one has after vomiting. This happened to me recently, when I realized I needed to leave the highly competitive and serious choir I was in. It was a wonderful group and a great experience, but I had been using the choir's never-ending list of difficult rehearsal material as an excuse to procrastinate on pursuing my real dreams. So, I left, and I still feel mixed emotions about it, partially because I miss the people I sang with, and partially because I do not know what's next for me in terms of singing. I put out an ad on craigslist for a songwriting partner, but as soon as responses began coming in, I realized I am not ready to expose my music-filled heart to a perfect stranger. The business of writing songs is not supposed to be so touchy-feely, but I need an emotional outlet. Plus, I frequently make songs out of my most extreme emotional situations. I have done this since I was little. When I was four or five and at my first slumber party, the only way I got through the night in an eerily quiet and dark house was by singing a little song to myself about how much my Mommy loved me and that I would be back at home with her soon. Nowadays, my songs might go something like "Aaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiii- don't waaaaaaaaaant to do the disheeeeeeeeeehhhhhz!" It's amazing how much anguish can come from having to do household chores. Anyhow, this is me. Supporting a husband as he gets his masters, taking care of two cat "children," and keeping up on the dishes.

Autumn

It has been a long while since I last posted, and for good reason, because I have been busy! In the last two months, I have attempted to join a band, performed in my first concert with The Choral Project, made a recording at Skywalker Sound, prepared for and recorded at least 10 holiday songs for a CD, and begun fundraising for The Choral Project's trip to Spain next year, all while hunting down and finally catching some of those..." job" things. Two, to be exact. I've had a couple of 50+ hour weeks in a row, so naturally I came down with a bad cold. My immune system always seems to fail me when I'm on a roll. In any case, I am enjoying being employed. Though I am working jobs I could have gotten without a degree (donut shop employee and housekeeper), I am thankful for what I have and I actually enjoy what I do. For one, both jobs are very physically demanding, so I get a workout at work. Also, I work for and with great people - seriously, among the nicest and down-to-earth I have met - and it just feels good to be around them. I am getting better at focusing on the present, rather than obsessing about the future or mulling over the past. I don't really know where my life is headed. For now, I am allowing myself to just "be."

Play me, I'm yours...

So there's this artist, Luke Jerram, who's been touring around the world with his decorated pianos since 2008. Right now, there are 19 pianos scattered around downtown San Jose. They all have the phrase, "Play me, I'm yours" written on them, and there's a website:
http://www.streetpianos.com/sanjose2010/, which serves as a place people can upload photos and video documenting their street piano-playing experience. Last night the alto section of The Choral Project (of which I am a member) held a sectional rehearsal at one of these outdoor pianos. Throughout the course of the evening, we met many interesting people. First, a young woman walked up and joined us in singing a choral piece, saying she had sung it previously in a local choir. Then, some of the men from The Choral Project happened to be walking down the street and joined us on "Irish Blessing." Things really started to get out of control (in a good way!) when two African American men started rocking out to our spiritual, "Let Me Fly." "That's one heck of a piano player!" one of them said. Our section leader/ accompanist led us in singing happy birthday to our videographer (yes, this is on video somewhere out there!) and some blues improv, which ended in me making up lyrics that ended like this: "It's my birthday, I'm gonna shout it real loud/ Yes, it's my birthday, and I'm freakin' proud!" Passersby who saw us wailing like that must have assumed we were drunk. The most magical part of the night happened when we were about to leave: A man dressed in dirty clothes came up to us and asked if any of us played piano. Before we knew it, we were learning the lyrics to his own composition! What did I learn? The world can often seem like a cold and lonely place, especially when people pass eachother on the street without saying hello. I am guilty of this: I am a woman in a strange city and I don't want to get killed. At the same time, "Play me I'm yours" has taught me that music lovers are everywhere, and all we need is something in common - like our love for music - to help us connect.

Getting in is the first step...

On Monday I had a callback audition for The Choral Project, a San Jose based "theatre choir" that performs all sorts of rep, from classical to musical theatre. To join the group, I first had to set up a private audition with Daniel Hughes, the artistic director. First, I sang a solo piece I had prepared, and then he had me sight read (ugh!) and sing various scales. There are fewer altos in the world than sopranos, so I had the upper hand going in, and was told I would get a call back no matter how I did on the sight reading (not terribly well!). The callback was at the first full rehearsal of the season. I had a week to learn a piece, and he used this piece to voice-match the singers in each section. After three hours of rehearsal, he let the new members know their status. Luckily, Daniel was pleased with the blend of voices in my section and accepted me into the group! Now, the hard work begins. We have many pieces involving complex harmonies and different languages to learn, a concert coming up in only six weeks, and a trip to a vocal competition in Spain to raise money for. I also have to come up with money for dues and my concert attire, which, rumor has it, I have to have custom made! Check out The Choral Project on youtube.com!

Music majors: keeping music in our lives after graduation.

I saw a video on yahoo.com the other day that showed Condoleeza Rice playing classical piano. At first I was surprized, but it helped remind me that we are capable of taking on many different responsibilities while keeping the music going. We live in a competitive world, and circumstances have a way of mapping out our lives. Who knows? We might be one of the lucky ones who, like one popular R&B singer who's name escapes me, gets noticed while singing to herself at a gas station and suddenly has a recording career. The point is, anything can happen, and I am a firm believer that great things can happen if one is open to them happening. For example, if an opportunity comes along and one isn't prepared (or simply lacks the courage to try), that's one more chance down the drain. At the same time, we can't sit daydreaming about our ideal future 24-7. We have bills to pay, people to love and lives to live. I must get a job now, music industry or not, but that doesn't mean I am no longer an artist and a singer. It is up to all of us to determine what role music has in our lives, and to give it enough energy to allow it to fill that role. For me, singing is the ultimate form of self-expression, and performing is the greatest high because it allows me to express all of the emotions I have learned to supress. I have recently started writing my own songs, and I have found, with great joy, that my own songs are my favorites, because I was able to express a personal emotion, through the combination of words and music, in a way clearer than with words alone. You never have to give up on your dreams. Circumstances may change, but there is always a way to keep moving forward with your art, a little at a time. So keep going! Music may not pay the bills, but it may sustain you in some other way.

Still searching...

Thirty days have passed, and I am still searching for that "day job." Things are not looking good. I have worked for a month at a temp catering job, and I was depressed to learn that I have only made about $300 in that time (I only work 1-3 days per week).

On a lighter note, I wrote my first complete song last night (well, the first one that I'm proud to say I have written!). I haven't written it out in notation or anything - just chords, melody and lyrics. I'll keep working on it and hopefully put together a youtube video soon.

Hello from the other side!

There have always been times in my life when I feel I'm not equipped to overcome the challenges I face, but I continue to prove myself wrong. In the ten or so days since my last post, I feel I have transformed myself by reaching out to others. It seems I am constantly learning this lesson: that keeping my feelings and fears inside doesn't solve anything, and that communicating openly can only help the situation at hand. A visit from a college friend only reminded me of how much I missed the safety and comfort of my college life, when I was surrounded by music majors who all shared my dreams. My job search dragged on, and I thought things couldn't get much worse. Then, a coworker at my temp job told me the office building she worked in during the day burned to the ground just hours before our shift that night! It's strange that no matter how bad things seem, we are always better off than we think we are.

For whatever reason, things have been getting better ever since that night. I have started to open my eyes to the world around me, and it looks like everyone is doing their best to get along, despite the circumstances. There are numerous challenges to face every day, and we have to be willing to look them in the eye if we want to go places. I finally contacted a local guitar teacher and had my first lesson. He informed me that there are lots of venues to perform in my area, which is wonderful and terrifying! It means if I dedicate myself to learning what I want to learn, I could be out there with the rest of them, living my dream of being a singer/songwriter. I'm also hoping to audition for a local theatre choir that performs works from a variety of musical genres. Things are falling into place, but it takes time, and I'm still learning how to be patient.