Words of encouragement

Today: Me: "I could use some encouragement right now." So, I wrote this:

You are stronger than you know.  You have been to hell and back and you are still moving forward.  You have the ability to let it go, to let the past be the past and the future with all its unknowns be the future.  You are here, now, in this moment, and you can use this moment to do good, provide service, create something beautiful, and enrich a life, whether it is your own or someone else’s.  Share your gifts with the world around you and let the world within you grow.    

I think I'm going to read it about ten thousand times.

Checking In

I looked at my cute kitty calendar the other day and a date caught my eye. February 29th. 2012 may be a leap year, but I haven't been doing much leaping. I kept looking inside to see why this was, but each time I confronted a void. This is so unlike me. I am usually propelled forward (or yanked along) by some huge life goal, but now there's just nothing, and it's not a negative nothing...just nothing. To quote Jack Skellington, "What is this?!"

Then, yesterday, the unthinkable happened. I went to work and accidentally left my iPhone (a.k.a. miracle device that keeps Fionna from going insane while doing hours upon hours of mundane housekeeping tasks) at home. To intensify the experience, the family I work for was out for the day. Five hours of silent contemplation later, I had some of the answers I had been looking for.

So, why have I been surfing the channels instead of the audition listings? I think I simply want an easy life. I do so much and push myself so hard to be perfect that I often daydream about what it would be like to relax on the couch with a cup of coffee. "Relax." What does that word even mean? I get antsy just thinking about it. The only time I "relax" is when I'm too sick or tired to move. Hmmm...having just reread that last statement, I am seeing a problem here.

Resting, both physically and mentally, is essential if we want to achieve optimum performance in this thing called life. We need to tune up our cars and defrag our hard drives periodically. The same goes for us. The problem is, when we have downtime, we don't usually rest. Just take the typical American family vacation, for example. Who has time to recharge when the kids are screaming in the backseat and you are fighting with your husband over whether or not you're lost. On my day off from housekeeping, I usually find myself cleaning my own house top to bottom. This has to end. I need rest, and, more importantly, I need not feel bad about allowing myself to have it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make some coffee.

Epiphany

"Aww man! Not again!"

That's what I said to myself the other day, when my brain spontaneously materialized the answer to my current life-altering question: whether or not to go back to school to study music ed. and become a teacher. Several weeks ago I left my teacher's studio convinced that this was the right path, but something was making me hesitate to commit to the idea. Logically, it seemed the best option. At the end of 2-3 years I would have a teaching credential and possibly a masters in music, not to mention a defined career path. I would have marketable skills in a specialized area, and job searches would be simple because I would know exactly what I was looking for. I would be directly using my bachelor's degree to earn my living, which would provide me with peace of mind that borrowing all that money was the right decision. And, hopefully, I would love my job.

So, going back to school would obviously be the right decision...right?

No matter how many times I mulled over the idea, I could not get myself to mentally commit. Something deep in my gut would tighten. I would roll my eyes and say to myself, "Oh brother. Am I really going to do this? Really?" And then the answer trickled into my ear from some ethereal place above. "NOPE." And then I laughed, because I couldn't believe it had happened again. When this all started, I was experiencing some minor health problems which, combined with my rigorous rehearsal schedule for South Pacific and my six-day-a-week housekeeper job, sent me into freak-out mode. I was exasperated at not having health insurance and having to work at this physical labor job when I was so run down, and to make matters worse we were in deep financial trouble because Matt's financial aid check was a month late. It's clear to me now that all these things combined drove me into depression. I was going down, and I saw no positive future to bring me back up. Anxiety overwhelmed me and I felt I had to make a drastic change - one that would give me a perfectly clear vision of a future where carrying a heavy cleaning bucket up and down flights of stairs was not in the cards. I wanted health insurance. I wanted to be taken care of. I didn't want my life to be dedicated to musical theatre, because that's just a hobby if you don't get paid to do it. And believe me, I did not intend to pay thousands of dollars to the CSU to learn a hobby. Anyway, all of this built up inside me and led me to the idea of going back to school to become a teacher, even though what I really want to do is perform. I laughed when the answer came, because this exact thing had happened to me before. When I wanted to switch my music major emphasis from performance to liberal so that I could have time to take English classes and perhaps become an English teacher (for when I inevitably failed to earn a living as a singer), my advisor stopped me with one phrase. "Don't give up on your love," she said, referring to my lifelong love of singing. She was right. Singing in front of an audience, however scary, is the ultimate be-all end-all thing to me. It's all I want to do. I'm not going back to school, because that would mean a total shift of focus. I would have to stop auditioning for shows and put all my energy into learning how to teach and getting over my fear of failing at doing something I've never tried. The epiphany I had the other day was that I am already doing EXACTLY what I want to do: auditioning for musicals, continuing to study singing, and being free to do whatever I want with my off-the-clock hours. My logical brain was trying to talk me out of it again because a singer's career is often very unstable, and I am always seeking stability in life because I grew up in an unstable environment.

"BINGO. There's your answer," my brain said, once I had been to the clinic to resolve my medical issues and we had received Matt's financial aid check, "Change nothing. You are already doing what you want to do. Yes, some things suck, but some things are always going to suck. You're doing fine! It takes time to achieve greatness in any area of life, so be patient. Good things will happen, but they won't happen if you give up." So, that happened, and I laughed and smiled, and the next day I was bouncing off the walls with excitement and singing out loud. I have learned a lot about myself through this experience. I have two brains, sort of: my anxious brain and my normal Fionna brain. Normal Fionna brain likes to be calm and make rational decisions, but anxious brain likes to apply logic to make decisions quickly and thus be rid of the anxiety of brooding over difficult situations. I know now that to get the results I want, I need to provide time and space for anxious brain to quietly leave, so that normal Fionna brain can make decisions rationally and calmly. After all of this, I am relieved and excited. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, and for the first time, I kinda like that.

Taking a Big Leap

"What's Holding You Back?"

That's the caption on this month's issue of Oprah magazine. It's been sitting on my coffee table for a week now, but the message didn't hit home for me until last night, when I got home from an hour long discussion with my voice teacher. I've been floating about with no plan for a while now, and I am a person who finds security in planning. I've asked myself questions and reached out to others for advice. My future is finally becoming more clear, but achieving my goals is going to take patience and commitment. More importantly, I am going to have to adopt a new view of myself and conquer fears I have had for over a decade. What I am talking about is becoming a music teacher: the very goal I had when I graduated high school almost ten years ago. What held me back? A number of things. Ironically, the knowledge that teachers "don't make any money" was my excuse back then. Now, I'm breaking my back as a housekeeper, so the idea of becoming a music teacher seems almost glamorous. Looking back, the real reason I shied away from the profession was a fear of failure. Also, when it comes to teaching, I realize I have formed my opinions solely on the basis of negative stories I heard from friends and family. For example, I remember my dad talking of being a high school substitute teacher and getting his lunch stolen off his desk. It also doesn't help that I am the wife of a music teacher, so I hear all of his grumblings about not being listened to and not getting paid enough. My own limited experiences have been profoundly rewarding, and I know now that putting my energy into learning the skills I need to become a better teacher will lead me to where I want to be. Moreover, stepping into the role of teacher will provide me an important opportunity to learn to trust and value myself and to recognize that I truly do have something to give. Now for the hard part: taking the leap - biting the bullet of stress and debt and time by going back to school for music education classes, better piano skills, and a teaching credential. The big question in my mind right now: can I do it? Schools all over California are impacted and the odds of getting into a program are slim. Also, Matt is still in school for two more years and our financial state is the worst it has ever been. Still, I have to try. I see music teaching positions advertised on Craigslist all the time but I lack the necessary skills and credentials. So, here goes nothin'.

A new dream...

Life is so very, very strange.

Last week, I found myself telling my friend that, at the moment, I had no desire to do anything with singing. I have been keeping myself busy with work and homemaking, which leaves me physically exhausted at the end of the day. I should have realized I was avoiding something big- especially when I found myself going to buy a bed frame from IKEA at 7 PM on a Sunday night. I mean, now I have a bed frame, but did I really have to do it right then, during the last few hours of my day off? My apartment is cleaner and better organized than it has ever been, and this is a direct result of my need to keep moving, lest I actually stop to think and WHAT'S THIS? Sinking feeling in pit of stomach? Hmmm...better vacuum. In any case, today I want to thank the Universe for giving me a hand in the form of my employer asking about singing lessons for her daughter. The incredible rush I felt at hearing the first words of the unexpected inquiry clued me in to something I have known for a long time: I actually do want to teach. The truly strange thing was that just the night before, I found myself sitting around, flipping through music books, turning the TV on and off, totally bored out of my mind, thinking "Something big is missing from my life." DING! There it is. I want to be a voice teacher. Teaching singing lessons will allow me to use my degree in a very direct way to make money doing what I love. So, why has it been almost a year without me pursuing this dream? I think it comes down to me telling myself "I can't" over and over and over. I have been telling myself I can't teach singing because I can't play the piano very well, because I have only been singing for four years, because I have next to no teaching experience, because I am just no good and why on earth would anybody want to learn anything from a sucky lady like me? Well, I have a thing or two to say in response to those imaginary people's comments. First of all, Hello! I have a degree in vocal performance. Secondly, despite my small number of years singing, I have a wide range of performance experience under my belt, including singing in a Greek theatre IN GREECE. Also, it is important to bring to mind how little I knew about singing and performing when I began four years ago. I had no idea how to use my head voice at all and didn't even have a full octave range! Now, I can sing over two octaves. And as for me being a "no good, sucky lady?" Well, for once in my life, I truly believe that I am worth something. I am GOOD, and I am good at things, one of which is singing. That's not to say I couldn't improve in a few areas - we all have room for improvement. After all, what would life be if we reached perfection in our mid twenties? Anyhow, that is my point. I am not done learning. I am not done challenging myself, or dreaming, or making goals for myself. If learning to play the piano is the only thing stopping me from becoming a voice teacher, it is clear what I must do. Oh boy, I am really going to say this...I will learn to play the piano. Notice I didn't say "I need to" or "I should really." No, I am going to do this, and it is going to be hard work, but I know it will be worth it. Now, to find a piano teacher!

You have to look for your life...

Sometimes it's hard to look at yourself for who you really are. It has been my goal as of late to try to be honest with myself about everything. Sometimes it's easy, "Yes, I really DO want pizza tonight!" but when it comes to what really matters, it's hard. So hard, in fact, that I do everything possible, usually without realizing it, to avoid the matter at hand, which is usually something I know I have to change about my life but that I believe will upset others. It's quite dramatic, the way this plays out in my head. There is always a point where whatever reluctant truth that has been bouncing around in there bursts out suddenly, painting my life a shocking shade of orange (I hate orange). Nevertheless, the truth must come out, and I am plagued for at least a week with the queasy feeling of relief one has after vomiting. This happened to me recently, when I realized I needed to leave the highly competitive and serious choir I was in. It was a wonderful group and a great experience, but I had been using the choir's never-ending list of difficult rehearsal material as an excuse to procrastinate on pursuing my real dreams. So, I left, and I still feel mixed emotions about it, partially because I miss the people I sang with, and partially because I do not know what's next for me in terms of singing. I put out an ad on craigslist for a songwriting partner, but as soon as responses began coming in, I realized I am not ready to expose my music-filled heart to a perfect stranger. The business of writing songs is not supposed to be so touchy-feely, but I need an emotional outlet. Plus, I frequently make songs out of my most extreme emotional situations. I have done this since I was little. When I was four or five and at my first slumber party, the only way I got through the night in an eerily quiet and dark house was by singing a little song to myself about how much my Mommy loved me and that I would be back at home with her soon. Nowadays, my songs might go something like "Aaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiii- don't waaaaaaaaaant to do the disheeeeeeeeeehhhhhz!" It's amazing how much anguish can come from having to do household chores. Anyhow, this is me. Supporting a husband as he gets his masters, taking care of two cat "children," and keeping up on the dishes.

Autumn

It has been a long while since I last posted, and for good reason, because I have been busy! In the last two months, I have attempted to join a band, performed in my first concert with The Choral Project, made a recording at Skywalker Sound, prepared for and recorded at least 10 holiday songs for a CD, and begun fundraising for The Choral Project's trip to Spain next year, all while hunting down and finally catching some of those..." job" things. Two, to be exact. I've had a couple of 50+ hour weeks in a row, so naturally I came down with a bad cold. My immune system always seems to fail me when I'm on a roll. In any case, I am enjoying being employed. Though I am working jobs I could have gotten without a degree (donut shop employee and housekeeper), I am thankful for what I have and I actually enjoy what I do. For one, both jobs are very physically demanding, so I get a workout at work. Also, I work for and with great people - seriously, among the nicest and down-to-earth I have met - and it just feels good to be around them. I am getting better at focusing on the present, rather than obsessing about the future or mulling over the past. I don't really know where my life is headed. For now, I am allowing myself to just "be."