You have to look for your life...

Sometimes it's hard to look at yourself for who you really are. It has been my goal as of late to try to be honest with myself about everything. Sometimes it's easy, "Yes, I really DO want pizza tonight!" but when it comes to what really matters, it's hard. So hard, in fact, that I do everything possible, usually without realizing it, to avoid the matter at hand, which is usually something I know I have to change about my life but that I believe will upset others. It's quite dramatic, the way this plays out in my head. There is always a point where whatever reluctant truth that has been bouncing around in there bursts out suddenly, painting my life a shocking shade of orange (I hate orange). Nevertheless, the truth must come out, and I am plagued for at least a week with the queasy feeling of relief one has after vomiting. This happened to me recently, when I realized I needed to leave the highly competitive and serious choir I was in. It was a wonderful group and a great experience, but I had been using the choir's never-ending list of difficult rehearsal material as an excuse to procrastinate on pursuing my real dreams. So, I left, and I still feel mixed emotions about it, partially because I miss the people I sang with, and partially because I do not know what's next for me in terms of singing. I put out an ad on craigslist for a songwriting partner, but as soon as responses began coming in, I realized I am not ready to expose my music-filled heart to a perfect stranger. The business of writing songs is not supposed to be so touchy-feely, but I need an emotional outlet. Plus, I frequently make songs out of my most extreme emotional situations. I have done this since I was little. When I was four or five and at my first slumber party, the only way I got through the night in an eerily quiet and dark house was by singing a little song to myself about how much my Mommy loved me and that I would be back at home with her soon. Nowadays, my songs might go something like "Aaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiii- don't waaaaaaaaaant to do the disheeeeeeeeeehhhhhz!" It's amazing how much anguish can come from having to do household chores. Anyhow, this is me. Supporting a husband as he gets his masters, taking care of two cat "children," and keeping up on the dishes.